Lesbians use dildos, straight girls get drunk and acquiesce to their boyfriend’s requests, and gay guys, well, we sort of invented anal sex. The only people who aren’t getting fucked in the ass are straight men. It’s like, “You just let me put my penis in your ass and move it in and out for an hour. After the deed, you see your fellow man in a whole new empathetic light, the kind of light that’s humanizing, curbs any further judgements and could possibly end wars.

Getting your ass penetrated should be a prerequisite for life because it’s an experience that teaches humility and encourages teamwork.